Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Erotic Adventures Of Hercules

So, I have decided some people have all the time in the world. By some people I'm referring mostly to the old and stupid. For example, most normal people like you and I it takes only a short period of time to fill your vehicle up with fuel. But for some people, it's a day out, an epic adventure that goes on forever...Or until the pump cuts them off for taking too long. Seriously, one guy even brings a deck-chair with him to fill his car up I mean...Why don't you pack a ******* picnic? Anyway I decided that in the time that it takes for some people to fill up y their car you could yourself probably achieve some great feat. Such as peace on Earth or writing a short erotic story [both good choices]

And so with that Laura began her accent into womanhood as she felt her loins burning with the passion ignited by Hercules soft touch, "I told you I'd rock your world" Hercules quipped...

Customer: Hello, Pump 10 please

Justin: What? But Hercules hasn't finished caressing Laura's beautiful body yet...I mean, 20 pounds please
Today I saw Charlotte Jupe [The Charlotte formally known as Johnson, although it may have been Jupe then Johnson I don't actually remember] If anyone wants to see her she is back for a few days to see her family, and if you even care [I was mildly interested] she has her own business in Leicester [something to do with horses, or something]. Anyway the point is, not everyone we used to go to school with is irritating to the point you don't want to see them again,some are in fact quite attractive [and more importantly not irritating]
The Coral-New album due may! Disappointingly though, it's being compared to the slightly odd but nevertheless interesting 2004 Mini album Nightfreak & The Sons Of Becker But here's hoping it's something of far greater epic-ness.

This Modern Love: Bloc Party

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid

Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
I will be yours

I'll pay for you anytime

You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right on
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours

What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me

Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Some Sort Of A Bonus: 14%

It's in your accounts now people, [Waitrose-People]. The moment you have been waiting for, your glorious bonus and to boot your monthly pay packet too. You can all go out and buy new cars/clothes/laptops/hookers without even the merest hint of worrying about where the money is coming from to pay for them. Rejoice!

Monday, March 21, 2005

Joey

It doesn't take a super-genius to work out that Joey is exactly 1/6 as good as Friends was. The jokes seem tired and irrelevent, the plot lines are often absurd and convoluted and his stupid irritating sister [Andrea de Matteo as "Gina"] is both stupid and irritating most of the time. The only real saving grace is the fit blonde that lives next door to Joey. Whether Joey is a strong enough presence to carry his own show still remains to be seen, a second series is already planned but the success of that hinges on whether the show can create and develop a group of interesting and entertaining characters and believable events while at the same time being as hilariously funny as it really ought to be.
King-Shough-Synonymous With The Animal The Beaver

-For reasons beyond the realm of reality!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Tony Almeida

So, does anyone want to co-found a I Tony Almeida fan club? It's not that I actually love him, in fact an "I like Tony Almeida as much as I like cheese and tomato sandwiches" would be a more appropriate title for the club. For those not in the know Tony Almeida is a fictional character on the TV show 24, he was a major character in seasons 1-3 and after taking a period of leave from the start of the fourth season has returned with style, and a killer beard too...He's also a drunk and his wife has left him but enough about that. Anyway he's easily the second best actor on the show [second to Kiefer Sutherland of course] and is as vital in my opinion to the shows success as much as the 'dutdooo,dutdooo' noise the phone makes. Anyway I forget my original point to this post, to summarize I am not in love with Tony Almeida, but he's frickin' cool all the same.

Girl TV Show interrupted

I hate it when I'm watching some quality TV, TV that's lets face it is usually an American export [24, Six Feet Under] and some bastard...Or friend as their usually referred to as, decides they are going to come round your house totally uninvited "Hi" you say "How nice to see you" when really your thinking "What the hell do you want? I want to get back to watching Desperate Housewives so I can have a fantasy about Teri Hatcher" or something to that affect, but then of course you have to converse with them and "make conversation" and at least pretend your interested in what they are saying and not that your wondering how you could strangle them with your socks that you have tied together in a hilarious fashion in some random-bored moment to create some kind of SupersockTM. Anyway rant over.

The Day The Chalk Turned To Dust

Monday, 10 January, 2005 the last time we got a new link on the Blog-Linkage that is Chalked The Linkblog. It's humorous that despite it bringing the collective brilliance of three Fairies it hasn't been updated with what you go there to find, links of a near-sexual quality. You can still find plenty to keep you entertained on there though, it's just started to smell a little stale that's all. So, good job the pinkness helps create the feeling it's all still as fresh as field of poppies where the beavers of Narnia perhaps roam, or something.

Current Levels Of King-Shough [The Website]

Blackness Level 10/10
New Post Level 1/10
Parody/Mock Level 8/10

X+Y

X+Y, officially the title of Coldplay's new album due out on 6th June according to a review in The Sun "Should cement there position as the best band in the world" and "Easily has songs that match Yellow and The Scientist. The band are quoted on their official website as saying "We wanted to try new things out, to move our sound along" The band embark on their biggest world tour ever following the release of the new album. Expect the words Epic, Legendary and Fucking brilliant to be over-used in my forthcoming review.
King Shough-When it's good it's really average, when it's bad...it's insanely terrible

Thursday, March 10, 2005

What The Truck?

"Are you claustrophobic, do you mind small spaces?" "Why?" I stupidly asked, "Well..."

DRAMATIC PAUSE

"You have got to have an MRI scan" "Oh, boobies" Okay, so I didn’t say Oh, Boobies to Mr Jennings my consultant...but I almost wish I had, I said "Okay, fine" I've also got to get my nerves in my legs tested [because they are a bit sporadic] somehow using electricity, it all sounds pretty insane to me anyway. On a plus though, they finally found out the original cause for my adrenal glands to be semi-destroyed, apparently it's super-rare, but I have a whole bunch of biatch fatty acids in my blood [or somewhere anyway] that have presumably vowed to try and erase me from existence much like in the film The Terminator, anyway I’m rambling/babbling so I’ll stop.
Trying hard understanding, all these things I should have planned them
But then it's easy to say it and it's hard to change it
Semi-Automatic love in the cinema
You and I could have been bigger than Hitler
You look at me and I look at you
What's this feeling, do you feel it too?
A little like Romeo and Juliet
A lot of love, death and regret
I just wish I could say the word, and have it all go away.
King Shough-Don't Worry, There's No Sugar

Metal Gear Solid Three: Snake Eater



If there were one series that re-defined adult gaming, and gaming in general it would probably be considered to be Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation. It single handily made stealth cool, and not just cool but it lead the way for other similarly themed games series [Syphon Filter, Splinter Cell]. With it’s Hollywood style production values [cutting edge graphics, and a musical score from Harry Gregson-Williams], complex narrative [with twists and turns, double and triple crossing spies], highly memorable characters [Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Mei Ling, Col. Campbell, Revolver Ocelot to name but a few] it marked a new era for video games. Anyway that was 1998, since then there has been Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty [On the PS2] set two years after the events of the previous game, this game expanded on the previous games ideas and themes, only with better graphics [it was also the first MGS game to allow you to aim and fire in first person mode] Anyway three years later, and we have MGS3: SE, creator/writer/director Hideo Kojima's 'supposed' final Metal Gear Solid game [with him at the helm]. This is a prequel, it is set in the 60’s, it's hero is Jack [Codename Naked Snake, who is the person they used to get the genes from to create both Solid and Liquid Snake]. Poor things first...the start of the game isn't particularly enjoyable or interesting at all this 'Virtuous' mission however is merely only an introduction to the main game itself, it will take you around two hours to complete and around 80% of the time you will probably be listening or watching something rather than doing anything [of which the mission is to rescue Sokolov, a weapons designer who is being forced to help create the unfortunately named Shagohod, a portable tank-like-thing capable of launching nuclear weapons, think Metal Gear REX, RAY as it’s along those lines.] After completing the introductory mission, you get a brilliant opening-credits with scenes from the game overplayed on pictures of moving snakes and such with a brilliant theme tune as well [very Bond]. Then mission Snake Eater begins, and it's good...brilliant in fact, the first few hours of toiling in discontent pay off in abundance. Fans will love that it's a prequel but newcomers will also enjoy the game on it's own, a stand-out scene early on sees you fight a young Ocelot [he hasn’t picked up the 'Revolver' bit yet] over a ravine, the battle is genuinely a tense and exciting one. Interestingly/hilariously enough if you actually kill Ocelot you get a 'Game Over' screen with the words 'Time Paradox' displayed, this also happens if you yourself die, because obviously if either of these things happen then the events in the previous games wouldn't have ever taken place [it's semi-complex]. This game won't disappoint those who thought MGS2's boss battles were lacking, you get to fight The Pain [he is made from swarms of bees and bee hives, and attacks you with...well bees] Volgin [who's body is for some reason electrically charged and The Fury [a demented ex-Cosmonaut who wears his space suit the whole time and goes around killing people with a flame thrower] among others. One of the main draw points of the game is how many ways you can go about things, this is illustrated perfectly with one of the boss's The End [an aging man said to be 'The Father Of Snipers' who is usually confined to a wheelchair asleep] early on in the game after a cut scene you will see a guard wheeling The End back into a warehouse, here you can either let him be or kill him there and then, later on though if you chose not to kill him when the fight commences you can actually save the game, leave it for a couple of days [or fast forward the clock on your PS2] and then re-enter the game, and you will find out that The End has hilariously died of old age, and you don't even have to bother about fighting him at all, which may come as some relief because the battle in the jungle with this ace marksman is tough and arduous to say the least. The much talked about jungle itself really isn't a jungle at all, just reasonably open corridors with foliage in between, but it is beautiful none the less, and it is brimming with wildlife [Snakes, Crocodiles, Spiders among others] which helps at least create the effect your in a living and breathing world. You still communicate with a team of people who are there to aid you quest but via radio rather than codec [it hasn't been invented yet] disappointingly though the characters aren't nearly as memorable as I had hoped [Stereotypical black guy Signet who is a weapons expect and Para Medic [Is that really her name? Who is a nurse, and also saves your progress in the game]. Those of you who thought the previous too games were un-necessarily long-winded, may be annoyed to find this game is probably even more so [with over five hours of cut scenes, some gamers may be tempted to skip them, but then they would be missing out on what makes this so special and memorable in the first place. There are a million things I haven't mentioned like trying to find all the green frogs hidden away in the game [for a special bonus: Stealth Camouflage]. The hilarious Snake Versus Monkey mini game featuring the monkeys from Ape Escape, and the 'Boss Rush' mode where you can individually battle against any boss from the game. Graphically it pushes the PS2 beyond it's limits and it's the most visually unique and constantly changing nature of the environment in which the game is set what makes it so special. Throw in countless references to films and music from the 60’s, a hilarious joke about James Bond "What would I need a gun shaped like a pen for?" and you have an action/stealth game that goes deeper than most. Returning to the series once again is David Hayter as Naked Snake [voice of Solid Snake in the previous games] and he semi-hams it up as this new character with to be honest, an even gruffer voice than before [hearing him remark "Metal...Gearrr?!??!?!" sleighed me a hundred times over. I have spent a good 7 hours on the game and I am now in a region around the cliffs, high up from the jungle below, in fact I haven't even reached my final destination. This game has got the obligatory man peeing himself through fear scene, and torture scene, it's got an involving love story between Snake and Eva you even get to beat the crap out of/mock MGS2's must-be-queer hero Raiden. This is Hideo Kojima’s defining moment, and a fine way to end a brilliant trilogy of games. This post doesn't do it any sort of justice what-so-ever. 10/10.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Semi-Closed

I'm too lazy to post, too stubborn to close the site. I really want to make the effort and do/write something hilariously legendary...It's just not happening. Maybe next week.